Loss

The one thing we all fear while pregnant has happened to me. About a week ago I started bleeding, and on Monday I lost the baby.

I am devastated. I am sad. I am angry. I am scared. I am all kinds of emotions right now. The only way to fully get out how I feel is to write about it.

I feel like miscarriage is such a taboo topic that no one really speaks about it. One in four women have had a miscarriage and yet you don't hear about it much. My heart is broken. I have been cut to the core over the loss of our 3rd child. I don't even know how to move on. I am terrified to try to get pregnant again. I don't want to go through this again. I know another pregnancy would cause me so much anxiety that I don't know how I would deal with it.

This has been a very painful experience both emotionally and physically. I would compare the pain to the pain I felt while in labor with Harper. It has been that intense. I have had days of no pain and then all of a sudden the pain is back again. It's like being on a roller coaster, but there is no reward in the end. 

The only thing I take comfort in is that I know my baby is in heaven with my grandparents and with Jesus. I am leaning on God as much as possible. My husband and family has been amazing during this terrible time. We have decided to try again for a baby once I get the go ahead from my doctor. Right now I am just trying to rest and get through this as well as I can. 

All I can ask is that if you read this send up some prayers for me and my family. We could really use all the extra love and prayers at this time. 

Surprise

It's been a whirlwind of a summer. It flew by in the blink of an eye. I fell off the blogging planet for a few months, and it felt good. Sometimes you need a long break to put things into perspective.

Landon starts 2nd grade tomorrow. SECOND GRADE. Time goes by too fast nowadays. In a few short months Harper will be two. A few months after that she will be a big sister. Yep. We are having another baby. So obviously we've been busy this past summer. Ha. This pregnancy was a surprise to say the least, but a happy one. I am due in April and over the moon happy. I have my moments where I freak out about taking care of and providing for three children, but it will be alright. This is all apart of the plan He has in store for us.

Other then getting some nausea at night, I am feeling pretty good. I'm sure that will change and it will get worse. I was pretty ill with Harper for the first 12 weeks, and after that I gagged the rest of my pregnancy over every little thing. Landon was easier in the beginning and towards the end it all went to hell and everything went wrong. I'll take being sick the whole pregnancy then what we went through with Landon. That was scary. I'll be sure to keep the blog updated more since we live away from our families. Let the over sharing pregnancy posts begin!

And just in case no one believes me, here is a picture of my pregnancy test! Haha.

First Grade Field Trip

My husband took the day off last Wednesday and we went on Landon's field trip together. We followed the bus because honestly who wants to ride with all those kids?! Just kidding (kind of). We went to Westmoreland Berry Farm where the kids learned about strawberries and how they grow. We picked strawberries and got to ride on a hay ride. It was a lot of fun but exhausting. We had to take Harper with us but she had a good time too.

It is hard to believe that the school year is coming to a close in just two weeks. I can't believe Landon will soon be a big 2nd grader. I don't know where the time went. It feels like he was just a baby and now he is 7 years old. I look at Harper sometimes and I think I just can't wait for her to be a little older so things will be easier. Then I have to kick myself because I know I will turn around and be going on her 1st grade trip too. Time flies by way too fast. I think it goes by quicker the older you get.

Here are a few photos from our day. They were all taken with my phone so they aren't great quality. We had a good time and the kids slept the whole way home.

Mother's Day

Happy Belated Mother's Day to all you moms out there. It is the toughest job in the world, but the most rewarding job.

My mother's day was great. My husband made sure to treat me like a queen. He made reservations for The Melting Pot. Want to know what hell is like? Take a toddler to a fondue restaurant. The food was delicious, but I couldn't wait to get out of there. Harper is a handful, but we thought we could handle her and take turns with taking care of her and making her happy. We are so wrong. I have never wanted to leave a restaurant so quick in my life. The moral of the story is don't take a toddler to The Melting Pot. Sorry to every single person that was there that had to listen to our Harper.

That is motherhood though. There are ups and there are downs. There are days when I want to crawl into a hole with a bottle of wine. Then there are days that are so perfect that I have to pinch myself. I love being a mom to these two beautiful, spunky, little humans. They are my reason for being.

There is nothing sweeter then when Harper crawls into her brothers lap. They love each other so much.

Current Faves

I was inspired by my friend Lisa over at Beauty and her Boys to do a faves post. I use this stuff all the time and I love all of them. They are all pretty cheap too which is important to me since we are on a budget.

1. Healthy Sexy Hair Soy Renewal (sample sized). I got it in last month's Ipsy bag and LOVE it. It makes my hair feel soft.

2. Avalon Organics Vitamin C Renewal Cleanser. This stuff smells SOOOOO good. I love it and it makes my face feel amazing.

3. Cake Batter Chapstick. You can't go wrong with Chapstick, but cake batter Chapstick is even better.

4. St. Ives Timeless Skin Collagen Elastin Moisturizer. This stuff is so creamy and makes my skin soft. I even put it on my legs and arms.

5. Sonia Kashuk Brushes. I got this brush kit at Target and they are so soft and super pretty.

Everything here is under $15 bucks!!!!! These are my current can't live without beauty items. What are yours? 

Introducing

I think it's safe to say that I suck at this whole blogging thing. Who am I kidding though? I know only my family reads this so they can keep up with us. So it's whatever. I try to write when I can and I'd love to have a thriving blog like I did a couple of years ago, but that means getting out my laptop more then once a month. For some reason I can't blog from my iPad. It just crashes when I try to post. It is what it is.

After losing Ellie we knew that we wanted another dog ASAP. We had been planning to get a Labrador once we bought our house anyways. So we found a local, reputable breeder in Fredericksburg (whom we LOVE) and got a yellow lab!

Introducing Lola! Or as I like to call her Lola Cabana or Lola Bananas. We always sing that stupid Coppa Cabana song now that we have her. Let me tell you something, labs are HARD as puppies. If you don't want to put a lot of work into the puppy stage then don't get a lab. Period. She is so high maintenance. It's been crazy around here with her and the kids. It's like having two toddlers running through the house. She does know most of the commands we've taught her and she is pretty much potty trained. She just has the occasional accident here and there. I'm ready to be out of the puppy stage though! It really makes me miss Ellie because she was the most laid back, chill dog ever. I know this dog will grow on me though. There are some days when I really don't like her because she pooped and got it all over her crate or she nipped at Harper and left a hellacious scratch. I spend most of my days yelling NO LOLA or DAMN IT LOLA because she chews on every little thing. She ours though and this house once again has the pitter patter of dog feet. Oh how I missed that.

It's a good thing that she's cute.

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Changes

Wow. A lot has happened since my last blog post. We closed on our house and moved in a month ago. We are still trying to get settled and have a ton of stuff to go through and unpack. Our best friends and their children are staying with us until they find a house to rent. We have a house full of adults and children. I'm really loving Virginia and our new home. I honestly couldn't be happier, but it's been an adjustment and lots of change.

Our beloved dachshund, Ellie, had an accident at the beginning of March. What we thought may have been pancreatitis ended up being a bulging disc in her back. She couldn't feel anything from her waist down. She jumped off the bed that morning and seemed fine and then it went downhill from there. The final straw was when she jumped off the couch and her legs went out from under her. We took her to an emergency vet and were given the worst news. There was nothing we could do for her. Surgery probably wouldn't even help her because her injury was so severe. If we brought her home and medicated her she would have had the worst quality of life. We made the hard decision to have her put to sleep. We loved on her and held her as she died. It was the hardest thing I have had to do. She was like another child to us, and I miss her so much every single day. We had her cremated and just got her ashes back. We are getting her a beautiful urn and putting her up on the mantel with her collar. I know she is in a better place and no longer in pain, but it doesn't make this any easier. The house is way too quiet without her.

RIP Ellie Mae